Febuary 04, 2000

This new month is starting with me trying to quit smoking... Not easy... Real hard this time... I did stop for three years twice... Then it seemed rather easy... I just quit and that was it... This time the drug is giving me a hard time... I am asking myself why do I smoke... What is it that I like when I smoke... I can not find an good answer to the question... I have always said that I liked it... But what is it that I like about it... How does it make me feel... Smoking gives you bad breath, sore throat and makes you breathe heavily when you try to exercise... I don't feel especially good when I smoke... My humor is not especially better... Food doesn't taste as good when you smoke, that I know... So why do I smoke... Is it possible that the only answer is because I can't stop ??????? Is it possible that the only reason to smoke is because it is hard to stop, that I am hooked by the drug... This reason seems to be the only real one making it hard to stop... If that is the case, then I am not in control here... I have lost the free will... The drug is to blame to keep me going on smoking... It is now a question of fighting a drug that controls me... There are no reasons I can find that make it enjoyable to smoke and that brings pleasure in doing so... I smoke because I can't stop that's the only reason.... So... I either decide that I am not letting a drug control me and fight back or I let my life be controlled by the tobacco industry... Good damn question... Between a Frenchie and an Irish, can we overcome this O:-) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx

Febuary 08, 2000

Here I am February 8th, and it's me this time who hasn't been here for awhile. I have been on such a roller coaster these past few weeks that I haven't really known what to say. So I opted not to say anything at all so I would not transport negative feelings to this wonderful journal. I suppose all in all everything is travelling in the right direction. So many things are so scary. Chibougamou??? (or however the hell you spell it - lol) Gheezus Moz.............Don't say things like that to me !! The 100 miles already between us is already enough don't you think? LOL But seriously, I know that lots of things can happen and probably will. So taking my own advice here "Don't worry about things that may never happen" right? One day at a time. One thing at a time. I'll just have to buy an airplane LOL Right now my mind is on moving to that new apartment and getting settled. I crave for some stability. I crave for my own space. A place that is all mine. I just finished my Valentine's Day page for you. It is always lots of fun doing those things, but nothing else gets done around here. It's like those damn cigarettes. Beckoning me to have more. I guess I'll have to go now and do that cleaning I've been complaining about but never get around to doing. I love you Darling. We will overcome. I guess I should say I will overcome. O:-) XXX

Febuary 09, 2000

Gee...... I was only in here yesterday. Feels a lot longer. I had a really hard past 3 days. To be honest I wanted to just stop the whole damn world and just get off. Stop the turning. I'm not very good with getting sick. The little gastro bug I caught also made me very down in the dumps. Plus the frightening drive home on Sunday scared me almost to the point that I thought about never driving again. Gheeze....... the demon inside of me about highways reared its ugly head once more just when I thought I had killed him. I just hope that it didn't undo all the progress I made in the last 8 months or so. I think I'll be taking the bus for the rest of the winter or at least until I build up my confidence again.This week I needed you so much. I needed to be comforted. I needed not to be alone. I needed to be held. It's not your fault. I don't blame you. It's just the way it has to be, at least for now. I promise to not dwell on it. I am much better tonight. My stomach is finally settling down. My emotions are being "reined" in. I'm still willing to sacrifice for such a powerful love. I'm doing okay. I will be there this weekend to see my valentine, threatening as usual to wear nothing but a smile. O:-)

Wednesday, Febuary 16, 2000

Hello Darling. I figured you'd get here sooner or later. Boy oh boy it's been a rough week for you. Sick with the flu. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there to take care of you. Another one of those little glitches in long distance relationships. I was so hoping that you could come to my little abode this weekend. O:-( For myself it's been a pretty good week. It's about time. Seems we are taking turns with the ups and downs. Well my computer is acting like it's possessed so I will make this short. I LOVE YOU. xxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, Febuary 19, 2000

It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the past 2 hours. I wish I knew what's eating at me so slowly. Why am I so restless? What is this demon I am about to become acquainted with? Why is my head filled with so many doubts? Why? Why? Why? I don't understand it. But then maybe I do. If I'm truly honest with myself. I think it's the "Lonely Demon." It has to be. I'm way too passionate and loving and giving to spend so much time by myself. It's feels like I broke out of the darkness after so many years in the shadows, finally reaching for the stars, only to find vast empty spaces, black holes, in between all the stars, then I stumble again until I reach the next star. I thought in my new life there would be many stars, all strung together. At least that was my hope. That was what I wanted. I can't help how I feel. It comes over me like a huge net and tries to smother me, tangling me up in a knot of twisted emotions. So I'm going back to my bed now to try to fall asleep nestled under the wing of Yiezel. He always comforts and protects me. Good night. Sweet heavenly dreams of a beautiful emerald ocean, gentle waves, warm sun, I see myself asleep in the bow of a beautiful boat, rocking, rocking, rocking, all to lull me to sleep, casting fears away.

Sunday, Febuary 20, 2000

Finally I am almost out of the flu... It has knocked me out cold for a complete week... Not only was I in bed but also out of reach to feel the bad week you have endured... Only yesterday did I learned about your hardship... You have spared me and I was not able to "read between the lines"... I know you miss me and some times it is much worse than others... I too miss you, but I do not experience such a level of distress... You have an army of angels that protects you and more you also have children that love you... Rachele was hard on me yesterday for not going to see you... I understand all the love she expresses towards you in her doing... Up to that point I did not know about your bad time... I feel like I have been the last nail to get in to make your week the worst ever... I hate this feeling... We both know now why it was like this, we both know this is part of the price for a long distance relationship... Can we both accept it and still experience the same amount of love, the same quality time together, the same strength from being soul mates... I can... XXXXXXXXXXXX

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