July 12th, 2000

Here it is already July 12th and I haven't had much time to think about the journal. The move went great and I want to thank you Moz for being here to get me going. You're a slave driver and I loved it!! Surfing through our site tonight made me realize what this site is all about. It was to each other for each other in honour of the special feelings we share for each other. Somehow we have gotten away from that and I know why. Because at the time, we needed to get away from that venue and now I see we need to get back into it LOL It's fun to be romantic........ and to keep a good fire burning you have to throw on a new log every now and then. It's 11:13 PM and I guess I should be getting to bed. I will try to upload this and you know there will be a glitch LOL Anyways I love you super much. I miss you and can't wait to see you Friday in "La Grande Ville de Montreal" O:-) I am also looking forward to our evening Saturday with your family. Yawwwwwwwnnnnnnnn zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Tomorrow is already Thursday. O:-)

July 25th, 2000

Leaning on someone's shoulder. How does one do that? I don't really know how to do it. . It's like I wouldn't want to burden someone with my problems. Life is difficult enough and I feel they don't need to hear my woes. My ex used to say "Don't think you're a martyr, cause you're not". I never thought I was. Somewhere over the years I have learned to withdraw into myself and in silence too. I have come through a lot on my own and I know that I can weather the storm and come out in one piece. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Even though we are not together anymore, he still manages to hurt me deeply and send me into a tailspin and I feel myself falling into the abyss and it's bottomless. He has serious issues with control and I realize that as long as my almost grown children are somewhat dependant, then he will use them to keep control over me, for through them is his only way now. I cannot begin to tell you how glad I am that I found the courage to leave him and free myself for the most part. Someday my kids will be on their own and it's not that far down the road so I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. At this very moment my heart is so heavy with what the future days and weeks hold, especially for my son. I despise arguing and fighting. It makes me want to run away. Hide. A good cry helps a little for when I stop I feel better and solutions come to me. I "rein" myself in and gather strength from loved ones passed on to the other realm. I ask that they, and God, and my angels help me find my way. I ask that they give me strength of character, and the courage to do what I must to cross and get to the other side of the rocky parts of the road. Moz always says "baby steps". I guess that's what I have to do right now - go slowly. One step at a time. Eventually....... I promise myself.......... I will get there.... for I see the rainbow

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