Almost March 1st, 2000 O:-) 2 Hours To Go

Now don't get crazy on me. Yeah right!!! lol So I wanted to play around with old St. Patrick. This is the month I can show off my Irish. O:-) Seeing it is our journal, ours meaning yours and MINE, I decided to stick my nose in and liven up the joint. Now don't look at those little white pixel thingys around my leprechauns. Frankly my dear...... LOL But if you ever get bored......... LOLOLOL OKOKOKOKOK Just kidding. I want to start this month off on a positive note, and with the luck of the Irish. On the down days, I will scroll up and smile and remember what strong stock I come from.

March 7th, 2000

The month started off rather strange for me. Looking back on how I jumped into the March journal I see I was trying to amuse myself. It was a close call Mozart. I am sure you sensed how I was reacting to you. How could two people with so much love for each other make so much distance between them? I truly felt it was time to step back, take a long and deep look within ourselves, and maybe step back from one another for awhile. Not see each other. It would have been so hard for me to do that, but I was going to do it. Sometimes drastic measures are needed to put things into perspective. I know I am partly to blame. I own up to that. But I do understand you. Maybe even more than you know. The only thing I wish is that you feel more comfortable with me just being you. I can handle anything you throw my way. You can trust me to try to understand you and I think I'm approachable about anything. I like to talk things out. I need to talk things out. It's the way I am. It's an anchor point. Just as you are the way you are. I also know that you are just learning how to do this, and it will take time. You can "put your foot down" with me anytime. It doesn't mean I'm always going to like it, but then that's life. But I want you to know that I am here for you. It's okay to say no to me. You don't have to dance around me. Dance with me instead. It's good to be your own person. I wish I had have known you were still having trouble with everything that happened. I didn't understand what was going on. I suppose that now, looking back, I see how much stronger your demon is than your love for me. At least at this time in your life. The limitations. That's rather scarry. But like I said many times, love is a risk. And I gladly take that risk.The weekend we just had together was another blissful one, and this time I felt things were more clear, but I know that more still lies just under the surface. But it's okay. I'm ready for that. Because no matter how big the demons are, I truly believe that love prevails, if it's true. Little rough spots here and there are only that. Rough spots. They can be worked out. O:-) I love you very very very much.

There are times when I feel very tired... I should even say there are not many times when I don't feel tired... It always shows, I know... I have searched the reason for this and was never successful until now... At least I think I have an explanation... Yes my demons are strong, very strong... The battle that is going on inside of me is also very strong... I am not always aware of the battle, but it is always there... I have freely started it to overcome some demons and I still want that... I am supposing that the it is consuming much energy and that it is part of the reason I feel so tired... Some days I don't feel the effects as much as others, but even then my actions are governed partly by this lack of energy... For too many years have I not lived in close contact with my emotions... That as drained me too in a way and it was the push I needed to look for help...
Where does all this leave me today... I would say vulnerable... Vulnerable to what is going on in your life... Vulnerable to what you feel... Nothing can change that nor can anybody but myself... It has me doing things I know I should not do but can not resist... It is all mixed up inside me and is dropped in the middle of my battle along with the strong feelings I have for you... It has become who I am now... I have come to accept part of me as it is... The contradictions, the uncertainty, the not knowing where it is all going, all that as made me say and repeat "today is the only reality"... Looking at the past can only be for seeing and not doing... Looking at the future is dreaming... I can only manage now and at a very high cost in energy when I consider the demons I am fighting... I am being selfish and my battle is the strongest or taking the greater place... Even my love for you suffers from my immaturity in the emotion's universe... But my love is also fuel for my army at war... I can think that, when enough battles will have been won in the war, my love will no more suffer from restraints... For now, hot emotions affect me deeply, anger, saddens, boredom, weariness all make me want to run away... Probing, asking, seeking for my emotions also scare me and push me in the run... I do not accept easily this situation but I have to admit it to myself that it is the way I am now... Thorn between wanting more and wanting less... I have waken and started my rise from being a living dead... There are times where part of me is strongly attracted by the dark side, a familiar place... I know that loving you brings me back... My love for you is my will to grow my roots in the living world... That is how I see it today... Hopefully one step further away from soul's death... I love you XXXXXXX

TIME CAPSULE