Journal 2001

New Year's morning O:-)
It has been a while since I have left my footprints in the Journal... The time we are spending together is so wonderful, the best, Bliss... Two years have gone by since we started our journey together... Two years of joy, love and strong feelings... The best two years of my life... I am truly grateful to whatever Power or Angel that have brought us together... I remember you saying how lucky we were to be at the same place and same time, on Internet... I conclude it was meant to be O:-)

The future is less of a day to day for me now... Not too long ago I would quickly bring you on a now moment when you would talk about projects... Not so anymore... I can now dream of the future and feel it... So much love you gave me in those two years and so much I keep getting... Thank you sweetheart... Thank you for opening the road in front of me and making me secure about tomorrow... I love you XXX

January 2nd, 2001

Today I came home but it felt more like leaving home. I cried off and on most of the way too. I just couldn't stop. I don't think the French songs on my new Sony Walkman made it easier. Thank you for the nice gift darling. XXXX The parting from you is always difficult but after spending a full two weeks with you, then leaving you, it is merciless on my heart. How nice to find some special words from you in here. I need to hear these things from you. I am careful not to put any pressure on you as to where our relationship is going. I have always put faith in the strength of our love to quell my need to know how you felt about our future together. This is the first time you have given me some hope to look forward to a future with you. I feel a great sense of relief to know that somehow, somewhere, you want to spend that future with me. I will do everything in my power to ensure you that it's you and only you for as long as I live and breathe. So many beautiful moments to remember. So many more to come.

What would I do without you? How would I live? Where would I go to lay down my head and my worries? Who would listen to my dreams and hopeful ambitions? When would I feel the joys of contentment of companionship? Of being one with another and with love? What do I do without you? Well, I close my eyes, remember your warmth, your smile, your passionate way of tackling life and me...lol..... I close my eyes and remember and wish and long for your touch, your grace... What do I do without you? I relish our memories and wish you were by my side, wherever that may be...to stay....today, tomorrow, always and forever.... I love you

Monday, January 8th, 2001

Here I am in the journal wanting to write something but not wanting to write something that's on my mind concering you and me Moz. . I am torn. Should I? Shouldn't I? Thinking that perhaps this is not the place to talk about things. . It's not like me to keep my feelings inside. I will continue right now to write about other things, and see how I feel in a few minutes about this. These past two weeks have been extremely difficult at times. It's like I am carrying around a ton of bricks. I'm trying not to let it show, but maybe from time to time it surfaces. I don't know. this divorce thing is getting to me. It's trying to squash me down. I feel it pushing on me, pushing, pushing pushing, trying to suffocate me. It it making me too tired. It makes me weak and I've never been weak in my entire life. I try to block it out and sometimes I win. I was told that I will have to "play the game", but I can't. It's just not in my nature, but there's a lot at stake here I feel. It could upset the balance in my life that I have worked so damn hard to achieve. I'll be so happy when it's all over. Analyzing this, I guess it's the feeling of instability I despise the most. Things are going well for me and I think my ex doesn't want to see me happy. Maybe it's his way of getting back at me for leaving. Why he thinks I owe him so much I'll never understand. He hurt me over and over and over so many times. And writing this stuff just opens old wounds and makes me feel like crap. I try to do the best I can always, especially for my kids. I strongly believe that I'm fair. Maybe too fair at times if there's such a thing. Too damn soft-hearted it's what it is. Well.......... which brings me back to that something that's on my mind and I have decided that this is not the place. A relationship is built on love and understanding. It's my own fault for not speaking up right away at the time. I will just let it go........ it isn't important. But I am promising myself that if I ever feel like that again, that I will not let the moment slip away and find it in my heart to open it up.

Sunday January 14th, 2001

Hummmmmmmmm so you saw the January 8th thing. I didn't think you would, at least not so soon. LOL I thought I could hide it away until I had a chance to come back in here and do a follow up to those little thoughts that had invaded my heart a week ago. I wrote that it was my own fault for not speaking up right away and if I had, it wouldn't have made much of a difference at the time as you would have had to go home anyways for Pooky. You see....... I couldn't understand why you wanted to go home to spend your last week of holidays alone in 3R instead of being here with me when you had the chance. I did spend mine with you in 3R because I love being with you and take advantage of every chance I get. I told myself that well....... I had to go to work and wouldn't be there during the day, and you probably missed your bed, and your comp, and just missed "home". Anyways, as you know..... you didn't leave Sunday like usual, but left Monday instead. Then came right back here on Tuesday and with Pooky! I swear, my angels manipulate us sometimes for our own good LOL So in the end, it all worked out, but I did promise myself the next time I would ask outright why the hell you want to go home when you can be here with me? MEN !!! LOL It was a great week too wasn't it? I enjoyed so much coming home to you. The little things you did for me. Like putting the light on outside for when I got home, not only chopping wood but buying starter and kindling and a bellows, and having a nice fire burning. You remembered how much I enjoy the fireplace and did that for me and I appreciate all you did. . Every moment couldn't have been more blissful Darling. It was all wonderful. I love you so much. I'm just sorry that I couldn't keep my tears from coming when it was time for you to leave this afternoon. I know how hard the goodbyes are for you, as they are for me, but the tears don't make it any easier. You already felt bad enough without me making it worse. I'm sorry. O:-( I really am. It was great of you to leave Pooky with me. It's nice having her around. Meow! Meow! I will take good care of her. I wonder if she'll put the light on for me and have dinner ready when I get home tomorrow LOLOL So that's about it. I only have one regret. That we didn't make love today or last night. We should have. But there is always next time......I LOVE YOU JDJ. XXXXXXXXX O:-) Thank you.

Wednesday - January 17th, 2001

Well here I am the night before mediation. Lawyers..... yuck! I just realized that tomorrow makes a "9" and it's N's lucky number. I believe in numerology and will pay more attention to make future appointments more favourable to my own numbers and not his. I had to call N today for information about the house/taxes and asked him if he had his lists ready for tomorrow. Assets/liabilities. He said no...... he didn't need them. OK.... so he thinks he doesn't need them. I will bring mine and see where it goes. I'm not looking forward to the appointment. I think the fastest way to get through all of this is to just state what I want, cut to the chase, and get it over with asap. Yes..... I think that is what might just happen. Anyways...... I'm tired now. Just finished teaching a class and it's almost time for bed. I need to be in top shape tomorrow and sharp. I will be back. If ever I needed an angel it will be tomorrow.

Thursday - January 18th, 2001

I feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out. I feel like curling up into a little ball and never move again. I feel like I get nothing for everything I did all these years past. Raised 3 children, took care of a large house, cooked, cleaned, scrubbed worked, taught classes, sometimes holding two jobs. All for what? Finally buying myself a car? Getting my own things, starting my own life? Without all the hardship of living with a manic-depressive who did everything to try to make me dependant? And did everything to make me miserable more than half of my life? And feel like I never did enough? Wasn't loving enough, wasn't sympathetic enough, was caring enough? Who was there to hold the family together every time he was locked up in the hospital? Who tried to make a decent life for the children? Who was there to pick up the pieces? How many wives stay with their husbands after they discover they had an affair? For the family's sake? Why do I feel like it's all for nothing? Work, work, work, for what? So that I have to sell my car, after finally for the first time in my life I have something that is mine? Bought and paid for by me? I was more than a good wife. I put up with so much. A husband who always put himself first and still does. Self-centered and controlling. And still is. His only motivation in all of his life has been money. See how much he can get out of people, the kids, me, the government. Anybody. Always cold and calculating. He can never have enough. It's always poor him. Look at him. Feel sorry for him. I just wish he would go away, disappear and never come back. He didn't deserve me. He blames me for everything. He says it's all my fault that we have to go through this divorce. And now I have to pay. $600 a month??? Where does he think I'm going to get that? It's almost my rent and hydro and water tax for the whole month! I can't deal with him. I tried this afternoon in mediation to be strong. I had made a list of things to do and not to do. Be strong. I just couldn't. I just couldn't. I tried and I couldn't. He has such warped thinking. I know that he would never spend $600 a month on Mark. He's so fuckin' cheap. I have this feeling that he got a lawyer. Last time we were there he declared as little as possible, and this time he was laying it out all on the table. Everything. I think he knew that it would be to his advantage. Would mean more child support. I will need to get counsel too.

Sunday, January 21, 2001

My darling Mozart just left for home. You saved me again from myself. I can be my own worst enemy sometimes. Thank you sweetie for coming to my rescue and helping me to forget and be happy if only for a couple of days. But now I will be okay until next Thursday, when I have to go again and subject myself to such emotional torture. Another good thing came out of this weekend. While doing research for my new painting, I was thinking how life is like a wheel. Every changing...... some people call it a roller coaster, but it's more like a wheel. So when I went searching for "A Wheel of Life" and all it's ups and downs, I discovered that there really is such a thing. I found one from medieval times and more from the Buddhists. It's perfect for my new painting. The four states - Happiness, Loss, Suffering and Hope. And that we are always in one of these states, and that the wheel keeps on turning. More importantly, that none of these lasts forever. The wheel always turns. So all of this has great significance for me now. Since Thursday, the wheel has turned full circle and at the moment I am happy again. Thanks to you my love. You are so wonderful and I love you so. I will work hard this week to remember the full circle of the wheel of life.

Monday, January 22, 2001

So much pressure I see you endure O:-((((.... So much on your shoulders.... How can I get that load off of you... If only I could trade places with you.... I know you will see this through, I know how strong you are... I also know how fragile you are... You feel adversity like a knife plunging in you each time a rock is thrown in the pond...

I have been there and not there... My story is different... My emotions were not the same nor as intense... I can only tell you I know you will come out of the storm and experience the bright sun in cloudless skies... Keep the light in the palm of your hands, hold on to it... Hold on.... And every time the hurt is there, come to me my darling so I can hold you... My arms are for you, a place where you can rest and let go...

I love you you know XXXXXXXX

Sweetie, there is something about me that maybe you haven't noticed. I always throw myself into things 110%. When I love, I love hard, when I hurt, it hurts bad, when I teach, I'm the best teacher I can be, when I'm loyal, it's to the death. When I say I love life, it's with a joie de vivre that's unparalleled. My feelings about everything are always intense. Plus, I don't usually keep them inside. It's going to come out sometime, somewhere. The good and the bad. This past week has been the whole nine yards. Ups and downs to the extreme. I remember feeling the same way when I first left my ex-husband. One moment sad, the next scared, then a happiness so exhilarating that I could hardly contain it. I'm just that kind of a woman. Passionate about everything. Don't worry about me so much. You're right, I am strong. And then there's my Irish that sometimes takes over for me when I'm in a slump. Don't forget about my angels too. Things always work out. That Wheel of Life keeps on turning and I'm hanging on for dear life until the wheel turns around again to Happiness.

You see we're tired, my heart and I.
We dealt with books, we trusted men,
And in our own blood drenched the pen,
As if such colours could not fly.
We walked too straight for fortune's end,
We loved too true to keep a friend ;
At last we're tired, my heart and I.
Tired out we are, my heart and I.
Suppose the world brought diadems
To tempt us, crusted with loose gems
Of powers and pleasures ? Let it try.
We scarcely care to look at even
A pretty child, or God's blue heaven,
We feel so tired, my heart and I.
Yet who complains ? My heart and I ?
In this abundant earth no doubt
Is little room for things worn out :
Disdain them, break them, throw them by
And if before the days grew rough
We once were loved, used, -- well enough,
I think, we've fared, my heart and I.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Janaury 31st (Wednesday) 2001

Here it is the middle of the night. 2:30 am. I woke up coughing like an idiot with a post nasal drip and it gave me a headache. Gheeeeeeeeeesh. At least one good thing, it's pay day LOL I feel good though. I met with the real estate agent and he gave me a lot of hope. There is a possibility I will be able to buy my own condo. That would be sooooooooooo terrific! It would be wonderful to have my own place and know I won't have to move again. *sigh* put down roots and best of all, I think I can do this! Moz honey, I know you thought I was running too fast when I was talking to you earlier tonight but when the smoke starts clearing, and I start seeing exactly where I'm going I get all excited. I've gone over all the options and I know I can do this. And I want to do this. OK OK So I promise to go slow. One day at a time. Baby steps. But it sure feels good to feel good for a change. To have something positive to look forward to. I'm off to bed again. Let the angels enter my world and snuggle with me tonight. I love you very much Dan. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for coming Friday night when you didn't feel like it. It was a big thing to do and I appreciate everything you do for me. You are wonderful O:-) in every way.

FEBRUARY

Sunday - February 4th, 2001

I don't know what was the matter with me today or why. It's just like that, as you would say darling. From the moment I woke up this morning, I had this "heavy" feeling in my heart. A little case of the "blues", no appetite, and not much interest in anything . It hurts and I don't like feeling this way. It's so unlike me. . I had to fight with myself all day to try to make it go away and to hide the tears that fell off and on all day. I thought I had it under control until it came time for you Moz to leave and go home. Now I'm here in the journal try to purge myself of this empty feeling. Maybe we should have gone out today and done something although I am so content to just stay home with you and enjoy our being together. Every moment of our two days a week is so precious to me. It's what keeps me going until the next time we can be together. I worked a lot on my painting today. That was good. It has in the past been a place I could go to to free myself from my own thoughts. It passes the time and gives me some relief from feeling the blues. I will find the part of me that likes to laugh. Even at myself. O:-) Thank you sweetheart of driving all this way again to be with me. Through a snow storm no less. I love the way you love me. XXXXX

The truth is, laughter always sounds more perfect than weeping.
Laughter flows in a violent riff and is effortlessly melodic.
Weeping is often fought, choked, half strangled, or surrendered to with humiliation.
Anne Rice - Taltos

Thursday, February 8th, 2001

Just checking in with my journal. I have been extremely busy this week with all sorts of things. The appointment with Honda for my car, the notary, the mediator, the people for my sofa, making more appointments at the Royal Victoria for June. Always something to do. The diet is going good. I have lost 7 lbs but I seem to have hit a plateau. It's hasn't budged all week. I will just keep at it. Rachele bought a new car today. A Honda Accord EX. Maybe now I will get my own Honda back LOL. Moz has been busy too this week. Where does the time go? I have a few new projects up my sleeve. They revolve around Lilith, the first woman God created as companion for Adam. She was banished from the Garden of Eden because she refused to be submissive to Adam and considered herself to be his equal. Today, they would call her a bitch LOL Anyways, it's a fascinating story. Three angels came to Lilith with a warning for her and I thought that I could paint my own rendition of Lilith. In a way, she reminds me of myself sometimes LOL But not all the folklore that has been written about her. Some of it is just plain crazy and to be frank, downright negative. . The Jews blame her for all the babies that die with crib death. They say she steals the babies because she couldn't have any of her own with Adam. She is also blamed for causing nocturnal emissions in men. Lots of other things way to complicated to get into here. It's All Hogwash!! Gheeeeeeeeeeeze. I guess it's no worse than Lockness, Sasquatch or vampires. I wonder why people had to give her such a bad rap. Was it because she was Adam's equal?? So.......... you can surf the www (world wide wait) and do a little research of your own and come up with your own theory. It's one of those things that will never be known for sure. I suppose I am attracted to her mystery. My painting will be beautiful Lilith and the three angels. Then I also plan on putting up a new page at the studio site about Lilith. Of course I will pick what I choose to believe. LOL After all..... it's my page right? LOL Besides, I'm a hopeless romantic and I prefer the romantic side of the story. Guess it's time to get cracking and see what damage I can do in Dreamweaver tonight. XXXXXX

Wednesday, February 28th, 2001

Wow...... it has been three weeks since I have visited my journal. Usually that tells me that I am happy and that all is well. It's true. It is. All of it. Moz darling, you make me so happy. I can only say that I have talking again to my angels. No no, I'm not crazy LOL Well, maybe just a little LOL butttttttt Ralph Waldo Emerson said "To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men - that is genius." Now how can anyone argue with Emerson LOL I am anxious to get into Paint Shop Pro. It seems everytime I try, the phone rings, or someone is at the door, or there is something to steal my time away from the learning. Doesn't really matter. I will get to it eventually. So much I want to learn. I find this great quotation today by William Arthur Ward and I think it sums up how I feel about teaching. (the other end of the scale LOL) I truly hope I can be all these things to my students. Guess that's about it for tonight. Mediation tomorrow. It is another day.

The mediocre teacher tells.
The good teacher explains.
The superior teacher demonstrates.
The great teacher inspires.

March 12, 2001 Monday

What a beautiful morning! Cold yes, but not in my heart. I love you so very much Mozart. Thank you again for the great weekend. Always so much fun. This week should be less hectic than last. Mediation on Thursday, but it's coming to an end and I'm anxious to get on with it. Again darling, thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for making me feel so wonderful. But we must get off of the sofa sometimes LOL Love you............. XXXXXXXXXXXX O:-)

March 21st, 200 - Wednesday

Well........ here I am in the journal so early in the morning. I didn't sleep a wink tossing and turning searching my heart and soul for answers. So much turnoil over this divorce. I know in my heart that the best thing financially would be to just let lawyers handle it and fight it out for me. Money isn't everything. It won't heal injury on the heart. I know either way scars will be left. I will bear them just like anyone else. This morning I sent an email to N listing his demands and asking him to explain to me why he thinks I should acquiesce. They are: He wants to keep all the assets in the house (furniture, appliances). he wants half of my RRSP (which I bought with my inheritance money and he really has to right to it by law), he wants to keep all the revenue from the house, he wants R to pay board to help him with the expenses. and he wants to live in the house for another two years and wants me to forget that I own half of it. I get half of his RRSP ( which is the law here in Quebec, and after 25 years of marriage I feel the law knew what it was doing as I am entitled), I get to keep M's family allowance cheque which will go to M anyways. My 50% share of the house in 2 years. I pay the child support which I know is in M's interest and I have to argument with that. so............ is it in my best interest to pursue this with a lawyer? Yes I believe it is. But is it in my best interest EMOTIONALLY to go to war with N over this? It will be nasty and ugly and eventhough I think N should finally pay for all his passive aggressive behaviour, supressing me over the years, for all the "control" issues I have had to overcome living with him........... eventhough I know it's the right thing to do to go for it, I am holding back. It's the last leg of my marital journey with him. I want to sever the ties once and forever. I remember all too well what it's like dealing with N in regards to money. I'm not sure I want to subject myself to his weapons. I will think about this more today.

March 29th, 2001

I just came home from my seeing my lawyer. He has been in family law for 24 years and 95% of his cases are about separation and divorce. He was so good that he summed up my case right to the point, hitting everything right on the nail even to the point of understanding N's personality as manipulative, calculating and controlling. He saw how N is using the kids and the house to have it his way. He can see the unfairness of N's demands and how the scales are tipped in his favour. He told me that I deserve better. I am not foolish enough to believe that a lawyer representing me would not have some ulterior motive (him making money from me). I am smart enough to know if he's sincere or not. He is an honest gladiator. I am still not sure if I want a gladiator at all. I'm frightened of the consequences. He said the thorn in the whole deal is the house. Get rid of the house and I get rid of the biggest problem. He asked me "What do you want?" and I really can say here and not I truly don't know. I didn't know what to answer. It's something I will have to sort out in my own mind before my next appointment April 5th. He wants me to come with the kids. I just wish it would all go away, but I know that's just a fantasy. I am depressed, can't sleep, dragging my feet. My heart feels too big and heavy for my chest. I have been alone for two weeks now right when I need not to be alone. I find no joy in anything. You would think I would be used to being alone by now. It seems most of my life I have been alone. Yes.... there have people around me. My kids and students mostly, but nevertheless, I have felt so very alone. Moz hasn't been around too much either. It's not his fault. It is just the way it is. But that's the story of my life it seems. Whenever I need a shoulder it's never there. I suppose that it has made me stronger. I have climbed some enormous mountains alone and reached the top, only to go down and then climb another. Anyways, no use crying anymore. What good does it do me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.
Leo Buscaglia

Sunday, April 8th, 2001

Just leaving a little heartprint in here. I have gone through lots of emotions the past couple of weeks and I just wanted to drop in here to say that I'm doing okay. I've laughed and I've cried. But at this very moment I am tired but happy. I went to see the attorney on Friday and he has given me things to do. I did them today. Now I just have to wait and see. Moz and I went to breakfast with Shellz and her new beau. He's very nice and I like him. We had a great breakfast together at Boccacino's. MMMMmmmmmmmm. It's 9:45 PM and Moz and I will be going to bed. 5 o'clock AM sure comes fast! Mondays are always long with teaching tomorrow night. Next weekend is Easter and I still don't know where I'll be. Here in Montreal or Trois Rivieres. Doesn't really matter to me as long as Moz and I can be together. That's what counts. So........ I'll sign out for now, or as Dan puts it ***********poof

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001

It's been quite a week and it's only Wednesday. My friend Patty got married today. She met this guy on ICQ and now lives in the USA with her new husband and her son. I'm happy for her and will send positive angel thoughts to keep them all well and happy. Lise called today too. She broke off the engagement to her "beau" and is now on the prowl again. I miss her livliness and craziness. LOL The agreement at the lawyer's office was done today and tomorrow I will give it to N. He won't be 100% happy but I think that's perpetual anyways. We'll see how it goes from there. Sandy's father died and the funeral was today so the office was rather gloomy. My son got his placement tests and seems happy and eager to get going on that. He even phoned me tonight to ask for help with the French part. I hope his enthusiasm keeps up. He must get his high school leaving to get into technical school. I joined WW yesterday to lose those 10 pounds that have been hanging around the past year. I will try for 15. I must keep reminding myself why I need to do it but mostly, it's about gaining control of myself not only in regards to my weight, but my health and my life. I don't like the way I feel right now. Losing those extra pounds will be great. Things seems patched up with my eldest daughter for the time being. The army called me about my brother's application. My other daughter is happy and doing well and just spent major cha ching on an executive desk and chair. That one sure goes the whole distance LOL I haven't been sleeping well. Mozart has been occupied with his painting, his midi composing and his computer. What a week!! Anyways, I must go to bed now. Will read a little first. Cool book by Ann Rule called Empty Promises. True crime of course O:-) So good night, my angels are getting my bed ready.

May 8th, 2001

Things are going okay I guess. I still have things I have to deal with. I still don't like that feeling during the week when I realize Mozart is so far away. I don't like it, I don't think I will ever get used to it. Anyways, I don't want to think about that. It will put me a mood I don't like either. The divorce is going along okay too. The final agreement has been drafted, N and I made a few modifications, I sent it to my attorney and now just have to sit back and wait to see what happens next. I'm incredibly busy at work these days. So much to do all the time. Money is tight lately. I have to be careful. Of course the $200 I gave to my brother didn't help. The classes will be winding down in 6 weeks and I'm happy about that. I'm anxious to sit out on the terrace in the evening sipping a nice cool drink and just enjoying summer. I am worrying about moving next year. Silly really, it's still so far away. I love my apartment very much and will be sad to leave it. I wish I could afford the $865 a month for the two bedroom condo like this one. I will have to go and see the builder. Maybe he has something in my budget. I have lost almost 5 pounds now and that's great. However, I get dizzy spells sometimes. The personal trainer came into the office today to talk to the staff, but it's $40 a month and I would have to travel by bus 2X a week after work. I'm not sure I can handle the added stress of that. Trying to fit it into my time schedule which is already tight. He could come to the house 1X a week. It's something I will thnk about. I am looking forward to my "voyage" with Mozart to Val d'Or in two weeks. It will be a nice change of pace. I guess I could kiss the diet goodbye then LOLOL I'm struggling with my latest painting. I have ideas which I see in my mind's eye but they just don't work on the canvas. I see it so clearly but boy it's hard to translate it with a brush. LOL I will keep plugging away at that. Things are great with Mozart. We never seem to have any problems other than the distance. I guess it's not really a big problem, but it takes effort on both our parts to deal with it. Our love has proven strong enough to get past that. It endures like a mailman in a storm LOL It truly is a wonderful love otherwise this distance thing would have put any small spark out a long time ago. But this is really a big "feu" LOL That's it for tonight. Almost 11 PM and it's time to sleep with the angels.

I don't know where I found this but thought it was beautiful !
So here it is for posterity!

Friday May 25th, 2001

Ahhhhhhhh my journal. Always a place for me to come and put down feelings that sometimes are difficult to voice out loud. I come here when I'm either happy, angry or sad it seems. When things are well and going fine, I don't feel the need to spill my guts all over the place lol. But here I am again. But it has been almost three weeks. That's a good track record isn't it? Well.... tonight it's the same old story. Lonliness. That big black cloud that settles over my heart and weighs a ton. The reason for it? No Moz. This week was already a particularly hard one for me as we spent 3 wonderful days together in Val d'Or. It was so blissful. Then he went home. Gone........ for the week. I missed him so much. It's always a big adjustment for me after one of our little holidays together. It seems whenever I miss him most, something happens to put more distance between our times together. Murphy's Law. That has to be it. Funny how when he gets the blues, he sleeps and sleeps and needs to be alone. When I get the blues I need to be with the one I love, for his absence is what usually causes those blues. So he gets rid of his, and I get mine. What a state of affairs!! But for myself, I treat a bad case of the blues by turning to the person closest to me, looking for support to help me get past it. To do things together like laughing or going for walks or a drive. Anything to chase the blues away. I understand Moz's need to sleep it off. I understand it's the medicine that turns things around for him. I am glad that it only happens once in awhile. He needs breathing space. I will give it. Willingly too. I would do anything for him to ensure his well being and happiness. Next weekend, he will be here to eradicate that black cloud over my own heart. Give and take. That's what it's all about. This week I give, he takes. Next week he gives, I take, filling each others needs because we love one another that much. Next weekend....... when we can again feel the joys of contentment of companionship. Of being one with another and with love. In the meantime, I will close my eyes, remember his warmth, his smile, his passionate way of looking at me and wish he was by my side once again.

May 26th, 2001

Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Weep, and you weep alone,
For sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air,
The echoes abound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

.... Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Sunday, May 27th, 2001

Oh how I missed you so this weekend.
When will I ever learn how to live without you near.
How will I learn to live with the emptiness.
Angels help me

Sonnet of the Portuguese
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Go from me. Yet I feel that I shall stand
Henceforward in thy shadow. Nevermore
Alone upon the threshold of my door
Of individual life, I shall command
The uses of my soul, nor lift my hand
Serenely in the sunshine as before,
Without the sense of that which I forbore -
Thy touch upon the palm. The widest land
Doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine
With pulses that beat double. What I do
And what I dream include thee, as the wine
Must taste of its own grapes. And when I sue
God for myself, He hears that name of thine,
And sees within my eyes the tears of two.

Thursday, May 31st, 2001

Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Tomorrow my love. We shall be together, after two long hard weeks of being in our separate worlds. You there with your feelings and emotions, me here with mine both of us unable to be there for the other. Both of us unable to support and encourage the other in silence. I had to fight hard with myself for more than a week now not to let myself slip into that dark abyss that beckons and threatens me sometimes when I spend too much time alone. My mind tries to get away from me by thinking up horrible scenarios that only serves as a thick heavy black fog that clouds my joie de vivre. There is no joy without you. So day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, we are closer to that blissful moment when we can look into each others eyes and feel each others love physically. I am like a delicate plant that needs sunshine and water daily. But sometimes there is no sun for days, nor is their that life sustaining substance, water, but just when the plant starts to shrivel up, the sun comes out after a refreshing rain and nourishes the plant back to life. That's how I feel tonight. I feel the moisture of your kisses in the air, I hear the thunder of your heart in the distance and I know that soon I will reawaken and come back to life to flourish and blossom. I have missed you so. Come to me my darling.

Tuesday, June 12th, 2001

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh two more classes to go! I am looking forward to the break. I sure could use it. I'm feeling pretty good today although I'm still a bit tired. It seems the Monday I get up early doesn't catch up to me until Tuesday LOL Five days ago ICQ acted up and for some reason the messages weren't going through. Some of them did though and it only confused the heck out of Moz and me. Each one thinking there was something wrong at the other end. We did learn not to trust ICQ anymore and a quick email to each other will eliminate any doubts. O:-) A good safety to remember.

Monday, June 25th, 2001

Sitting here in Trois-Rivières listening to Faith Hill. Moz is in the kitchen talking to Catou and I`m chatting with my son on ICQ.I picked wild flowers this morning and their frangrance permeates the apartment. It`s beautiful and sunny outside and that`s how I`m feeling inside too. Tomorrow morning I have to go home and I don`t want to. Whether it`s me leaving 3R or Moz leaving Montreal, the feeling is the same. We should be together and not have to always say goodbye. Our love endured, endures and will endure. O:-)

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001

You are free when you can choose how you want to respond. If you can choose to react with joy and pleasure, if you can choose to react by seeing the positive, making yourself right rather than wrong, then you have gained the ultimate freedom, the freedom to be and act in a way that reflects your deeper truth.
-Sanaya Roman, Living With Joy

Sunday, August 19th, 2001

I sit here at this hour and the tears are falling and I cannot stop them. My heart is so heavy............My love has just left my side to go home after being with me for two whole weeks, and such a wonderful holiday we had together. So many blissful moments, so much pleasure and joy, but home for us is really just being together you know. Distance separating these two hearts is only temporary. But we are always so happy when sharing the same space. It is meant to be as it feels so perfect. But the separations get harder and harder to bear. Each and every tear that falls smashes into the bottom of my empty heart and it hurts so much. I feel so empty and this feeling with stay with me for awhile. I haven't learned how to deal with it yet. And when my heart fills to the brim with tears like this, it will overflow into my every waking moment and even into my sleep as I will miss the way he gently holds me until I fall asleep. Ohhhhhhhh, to be together again *sigh*. Why is life so unfair? To have brought me the most wonderful man, to have him enter my heart and soul, my life, to fill my heart with so much love only to have to say so many goodbyes? I die a little each time and just when I adjust to being alone, we are together again, to go through the same agony.

Life passes so quickly,
You've got to take the time.
You'll miss what really matters,
You'll miss all the signs.
Sometimes it will be too late,
Sometimes it won't be fair.
But darling I'll be loving you
If only from afar.
Memory,
turn your face to the moonlight,
let your memory lead you...
and if you find there the meaning of
what happiness is,
then a new life will begin...

& JANN ARDEN = Tuesday, August 21st, 2001

Tonight I was into the midi music and in particular looking for Jann Arden's Good Mother midi. No such luck. However, I did find the lyrics. But best of all on her site http://www.jannarden.com she keeps a daily journal. Gee I like that woman!! Her music compositions, her lyrics, her philosophy. They are the best. Sometimes it's scary, she even sounds like me LOL I was taking my time about finding a phenomenal woman to dedicate a page to. And tonight I found the right woman..... one that I admire. Anyways...... I thought it would be fun to put Jann's journal entry in here tonight. By the way..... I am truly happy. I am in love. O:-))))))

16-Aug-2001 08:11 pm
I, once again, have not written in what seems to be months. I have been so busy doing everything and nothing all at once. I am tired out. The TV show, the Greatest Hurts package, the photo shoots, the paintings...(long story)...I am no Rembrandt....anyway...getting all the text together, the song order.....the this and the that and the blah blah blah.....God.

I am trying to figure out life in general. I don't know what I like to do half the time, and am quite convinced I am on the right track the other half. The fact that I haven't written here much says a lot to me, as I really enjoy doing it. There was a time when I didn't miss a day no matter how busy I was, where I was or how I was.

I seem to be in a bit of an "overload" funk. I am doing too much all the time. Even when I have a spare moment, I don't sit down, and on top of that, I am not eating carbs. I sound like a Hollywood nut now don't I?? No I am not sleeping in an oxygen tent as of yet...

The sun is out.
Not one single cloud.
Seagulls float by.
Bird shit on the lawn.
Cat fur everywhere I look.
Ringing phones.
People needing things from me yesterday.
Wanting chocolate.
Feeling full and so empty a second later.
No air.
Hot.
Got to buy candles.
Moved a big ugly chair downstairs to the guest room. That was nice of me don't you think? Let the guests deal with that eyesore??
I want KFC.
I want chips and pop.
Need to put laundry in the dryer.
Shave my legs one of these days please.... I am killing myself with my own legs.
Would like to have sex more often.
Never want to have sex again.
See what I mean??

Wish I had a tee time today.
Hard to get on any course around these parts.
Almost finished my book....haven't been reading at all.
Shit.

Well, hopefully, I will write sooner than I have been.

jann

See????????? What did I tell you? Sounds just like me hahahahahahahaha

Good night Jann O:-)) Sleep with angels

August 27th, 2001

Some news today (not so good) and I run to my journal. Seems N lost his job today. This is not good. Comes right at the time of year when he is vulnerable to a manic episode. Although we have been separated for 3 years, and our divorce is almost final, this thought still scares the hell out of me. It could have devastating consequences not only for me but for my three children. And apart from him losing his job, he was also served with some divorce papers from my lawyer today. The final papers were signed by me and my lawyer filed them in court today. No matter how much N has hurt me in the past, I don't like to see him get hit so hard. He doesn't need all this "bad karma" right now. Never fails though. Just when I think things are in in the clear, or almost in the clear, something happens. I will just wait and see what happens. The way I see it, as long as I get my 50% share of the house, I can provide for myself and my kids if they want or need it. It always looks bleakest when you first hear the bad news, but sometimes you can work it out. And that's what I will pray for. That N finds a way to work things out. For everyone's sake. May angels be by his side.

August 30th, 2001 (Thursday)

Today I fell and hurt myself and that resulted in a visit to the doctor and a tetanus shot. Just another story of me walking too fast and not taking my time going up the stairs. And since these particular stairs are always covered with pigeons, nasty dirty pigeons, well..... hence the tetanus shot. So let's see........ I have a swollen right arm and a sore burning 7 inch contusion that's all red and inflamed, an achy shoulder (guess it took the impact), a swollen left arm from the shot, a low grade fever, and a headache. Gheeeeze. Talk about stupid things that happen! I'm wishing that Moz was here with me tonight. I sure could use a hug. I need him a lot right now and he can't be here for me O:-(. Guess that just goes with the territory of a long distance relationship. When you need that person, they are too far away to be of any comfort. It always seems to happen that way. It just is. I have to accept that. Tonight I'm a little weepy and I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm feeling a little lonely. Who is here to take care of me? No one. O:-( Tomorrow is another day. My angels are here for me. I can always depend on them to make me feel better.

Monday, September 10th, 2001

Already September 10th, where does the time go? It passes by so quickly. I was so happy this week. Moz was here with me. He took 3 days off from work to stay. It was so wonderful. We worked really hard on the computer. Did so many things including setting up a site for my art classes. I just love having him around sharing my everyday life. The weather has been marvelous. He woke me up at 5:30 am with a soft kiss and before I could open my eyes all the way, he was out the door on his way back to home 100 miles away. It doesn't take long for my heart to magnify the feeling of his absence. This will be my last week before I start teaching again. It's a gruelling schedule but necessary, at least for the time being. I just heard on the radio that it's going to thunderstorm today. I'm not surprised. It's like the angels are unhappy that Moz and me have parted once again, but the sun will come out and he will be with me again soon.

Monday, October3rd, 2001

It's 5 am. I have been up for 30 minutes. So much turmoil in the world. How can people find peace in the world when it's hard to find it our own little personal worlds? I cannot sleep. My mind is full of questions and no answers. Nothing is simple. I feel sick.

Wednesday, October 24th, 2001

Between now and eternity
there is only this moment,
we have no other time to love

Here it is almost midnight and I should have gone to bed an hour ago. I just didn't feel tired and I talked to Patty and Jennie on MSN. I cleaned out all my old email accounts. I don't know why I still keep them but it's hard to let them die and fade into the cyber world. They have been part of me for 4 years now. I also played around with the Word document for the identification cards for my art exhibition which is coming in two weeks. There isn't anything in particular that's noteworthy. I suppose I am relatively happy. Moz has abandoned the journal for good now it seems. I guess it served a purpose for him when he needed to explore that expressive part of himself. I will always have the need to come here and write from time to time for posterity. The job is going well. I am happy there. I still can't manage to be happy being alone so much. I miss Mozart all week long. A part of me dies when he goes home to 3R. The girls are happy. My son isn't doing much O:-( but I still have hope. I'm his mother ! The cat is getting fat. Me too, so this is day 3 of my diet. So far so good. My problem is if I don't see results after one week, I will get depressed and eat chocolate anything. LOL Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, what else........ my sister in NY is having anxiety attacks. Doesn't surprise me with all that's going on there. The Anthrax fiasco. Terrible, terrible. I'm STILL hopelessly in love. I guess that's about it for tonight. I'm zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'ing. Will be back more often over the next few weeks to report my progress with the diet.

Wednesday, November 7th, 2001

Journal time. Documenting the parts of my life that are sometimes difficult. When I go back and reread the things Moz and I have come through, it makes me think that we humans are so vulnerable to our emotions. The past few days have been especially rough between Moz and me. I forced an issue about our future together. It was just time for me to get a future commitment. It's been three years now that Moz and I have been doing the long distance relationship thing. It sure has been hard at times, mostly for me as anyone knows reading this journal. After a 25 year marriage doing things alone (it was like I wasn't married except for the arguing about money or the kids or all the other issues I don't want to bring up now), well, I just don't want to lose the part of myself that wants to love by not sharing whatever time I have left on this earth with the one I love. I think I am a good person and a good friend and lover, and I think Moz knows how much I love him but isn't mature love about being together without smothering each other? Isn't it about pooling your resources and sharing expenses for things that would bring about pleasure in the middle of ones life? Isn't love about needing and wanting to spend as much time as possible with that person, that soulmate, that makes you so happy but at the same time letting them be themselves and giving them space while sharing the same space? When Moz didn't make the move to come closer to me a few weeks ago when he was changing offices I knew then that he would be content to continue on as it has for the past few years. Him there in his world from Monday to Friday and me here in mine. I just couldn't see our relationship continuing in this way indefinitely. It scared the hell out of me. It's not how I pictured it would be when I finally found my true love. Where was my life going? I needed to know if he would consider sharing his life with me on a more permanent full time basis. That to me would be ttrue love of the ultimate kind.. it's what most couples want too. Wanting to do stuff together whenever possible, working together, supporting each other, being there for each other all the time, not just on weekends. I don't want a weekend romance. I never did but Moz is very special. A few times I thought I could end it and maybe find someone who would be willing to share my everyday life to the fullest, but I just love him too much to let him go, or at least try to fight for "us" and find a way to help him get over whatever it is that makes him want to distance himself from me. Love at a distance is a hardship for me. What I didn't want was an exact time frame when this would happen although I hope it's not that far away, for there are still issues to be settled about my son and my divorce which by the way is just around the corner. All I wanted was some HOPE that Moz wanted the same thing as me somewhere down the road and not in 15 years when we both retire. I just had to take the next step and force him to take a longer look down that road. I will most likely being shopping for condo soon and it just hurt me to know that I had to make plans for another how many years of only being with the most incredible man and my true love 48 out of 168 hours a week? I didn't get out of a rotten marriage to spend most of my time talking to the love of my life on a computer every night and depending on email, icq, or the weather. That's not such a good life. If it hurts so much when we part, then why are we always parting? If your man tells you that you're the one for him, that he's never felt so happy in his life, and goes out of his way to show how much he loves you, yet doesn't want to be together more than 2 days a week, even after 3 years, then what am I supposed to think? Mixed messages. I do but I don't. Well, today I got my reply. It was what I wanted to hear, but I feel he said them to appease me for the moment maybe thinking that this will pass. It has before. I know what I am asking, and I know it's a big decision. But I had to know one way or the other so I could take the next steps of getting on with this new life I worked so hard to get. If Moz didn't want to come and live with me here in Montreal then I was ready to take a step back with him and not forward, for there was no forward for me, if he couldn't commit to our relationship on a more permanent level. I was crying and crying and crying knowing that I might lose him in all of this and the thought of giving him up would be like cutting out a piece of my heart forever. I would shrivel up like a rose that doesn't get sunshine and water, for Moz is my life force. He's the reason I wake up every day and feel happy and loved. What's next? Who knows? No one has a crystal ball. I'm scared to death. I feel I did the right thing though. I'm not sorry that I had to dig deep into old wounds to get an answer. But I am sorry that there was a need to do this at all. It would have been so much better if it was a common bond and a common goal between us. I have been extremely patient these past couple of years giving Moz the time he needs to grow and learn what true love really is. But I feel it was dragged out of him and he was forced to take a side. Would there ever have been a right time? How long is long enough? There should be no sides between soulmates, for that's what we truly are, but a common goal to spend the rest of our lives together. This makes me still sad when I should be ecstatic.

New Year's morning O:-)
January 1st, 2001

It has been a while since I have left my footprints in the Journal... The time we are spending together is so wonderful, the best, Bliss... Two years have gone by since we started our journey together... Two years of joy, love and strong feelings... The best two years of my life... I am truly grateful to whatever Power or Angel that have brought us together... I remember you saying how lucky we were to be at the same place and same time, on Internet... I conclude it was meant to be O:-)

What am I supposed to think and feel??? Another year has gone by and nothing has changed except that I love you more.

Good night journal............. good night my beautiful Mozart. I love you so much. Angels be us tonight and always. XXXXXXX

<3<3<3<3<3

Monday Night, November 12th, 2001

The art exhibition is over. Phew! I'm glad it's behind me although it was a great success, but it drained me. I am tired to the bone. I guess not only because of all the preparations for the show and the energy it takes to talk to so many people but of because of all the emotions I felt this past week added onto that. Moz left this morning to go back to 3R. I can't say that I feel much better. I can't put my finger on exactly why. Call it intuition. Maybe because I felt a certain "distant" feeling in the air yet everything seemed okay on the surface. Anyways, guess it's one day at a time huh?

Wednesday Night, December 12th, 2001

Well here I am. Took me awhile. A month I see. Lots of things going on. I guess to sum it all I can only say that I'm exhausted. I suppose I could start with Moz and me. I almost ended our relationship. Or at least that's what I thought I should do. I thought that he really didn't want to get closer to me. I'm still not sure if that's what he really wants. It would be great if we could just blink our eyes and then we would be in a perfect world. I didn't sleep for nights on end thinking about what I was going to do. There seemed to be no other way. I felt I was wasting my life away alone for the most part. I want so much to share my life with a mate and companion and lover and friend and partner. I thought that was Moz. I'm not so sure now. Yes I share it with him but it's limited to weekends. Anyways, in the end I couldn't do it. I love him so much and he's the right man for me. I decided that I would go ahead with my life and plan things long term as if he weren't going to be a part of it. It was the only way to keep going. I couldn't picture my life without him. So I guess I have settled for this part time long distance romance. Three years I have invested my heart and soul into this man. I was miserable but now that I have chosen this, I am living with the consequences of my actions. However it doesn't make me happy about it. It's not what I feel is the path a true love relationship should be taking. The other thing that has happened big time is that I have put a deposit on a house and I'm going ahead with plans to get possession of it despite all the obstacles in my way. . It's beautiful and I truly believe this is the right home for me and my son. I will try to build a good life for the two of us and I have worked very hard to get here. I say prayers every night to my angels to make it happen. I have an approved mortgage, made a $3000 deposit but I'm still waiting for the divorce papers. Guess I have put the cart before the horse LOL That's me! I hate all the uncertainty and I just couldn't stand it anymore. So I went ahead and found a house to buy...... Gheeeeze......... Let's see what else is new....... my girlfriend Karen made it through her open heart surgery and is now in England visiting her newly married daughter, my other friend Lise is in love with Yvon and is happy. Work is crazy, stressful with the Christmas toy drive and party scheduled for Monday. Moz has to go on a cholesterol lowering diet. Will be good for him and me too for that matter. I want to lose some weight myself. I have even put the cat on a diet! LOL My future son-in-law's Acura was stolen last night from right outside his front door ! My sister in New York is back to work and stressed out since the September 11th events. My ex is trying to find someone to buy my share of the duplex. I have been on the phone so much I think I should have just crazy glued it to my ear. Bankers, mortgage brokers, builders, soliciting for toys for the Christmas drive, Lise's ups and downs with the new boyfriend. It goes on and on. I need a holiday. I want a holiday. I am grateful for all the good in my life. I am grateful for my good health. I am grateful for a good job. I am grateful for my loyal students. I am grateful for Moz's love.

TIME CAPSULE