January 17th, 2002

Well, here it is 2002 and we're starting or should I say I'm starting a new chapter in the journal.

I am officially divorced now. I'm so happy about that. I have bought a new house and will be moving in soon. . So many good things happening. Angels are with us and they will continue to take good care of us I know that.

I want to start this new year, this new beginning with some promises to you Mozart. I'm sure I have forgotten a few but you should know that I always keep my promises.

Daniel Darling,

There is a special and unique bond that exists between us and I promise to always keep it alive.
I will do my very best to always comfort and encourage you.
I will always be honest and open with you.
I will always respect you.
I will always be your constant best friend and faithful partner.
I will always laugh with you and cry with you and grow with you in mind and spirit.
I will always promise to give you the best of myself, and to ask you no more than you can give,
I will always accept you the way you are and not try to reshape you in a different image.
I will always respect you as a person with your own desires and needs, and realise that those are sometimes different but no less important than my own.
I will always share with you, my time and close attention,
And bring joy and strength, imagination and laughter into our relationship.
I will always keep myself open to you to let you see through the window of my personal world,
and into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets, and dreams.
I promise to grow along with you to be willing to face change as we both change
in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.

Sunday, February 10th, 2002

We have had a beautiful weekend. There are times when I think we should be going out and doing stuff, but then I am so very happy to be just here in my apartment, with a nice fire going, and shutting out the world. I think deep down I am a homing pigeon anyways. I really don't miss all the hustle and bustle of the stuff happening outside. Class yesterday went terrific. Then the Olympics in Salt Lake on TV in the evening. Today, it has been painting together. You're right love, the bottle of wine sure makes the painting more fun. LOL You told me today that you have trouble painting alone. I'm glad I inspire you for you possess a truly great gift and I love your paintings. I get a super thrill watching you work along side me. How much more blissful can it get ? Valentines Day is fast approaching and I'm thinking that I love you more than ever. It's always so easy to be with you. We never argue over anything and it's so wonderfully uncomplicated. I'm truly grateful to have you with me and sharing my life.

Moonlight Drive
Let's swim to the moon
Let's climb through the tide
Penetrate the evenin' that the city
sleeps to hide

Let's swim out tonight, love
It's our turn to try
Parked beside the ocean
on our moonlight drive

Let's swim to the moon
Let's climb through the tide
Surrender to the waiting worlds that
lap against our side

Nothing left open
And no time to decide
We've stepped into a river
On our moonlight drive

Let's swim to the moon
Let's climb through the tide
You reach a hand to hold me
But I can't be your guide

Easy to love you as I watch you glide
Falling through wet forests
On our moonlight drive

Jim Morrison

I'm putting the little "Moz" at the end here just in case you venture in here and want to add your own footprints.
O:-)

Thursday, March 7th, 2002

Yes it has become more your journal than ours... Not to say I love you less, au contraire... I love you more than ever...
When we are together, it is so much Bliss... I have come to experience the same sadness as you do when we part...
My life is growing towards our togetherness... The more time behind us, the more time I want with you... It will happen...
You have great contacts with the Angels and I know you talk a lot to them to favor our closeness... Now I need that same faith to see the distance grow shorter with the tick of the clock... It will happen...

I love you XXX

Wednesday, March 27th, 2002

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh A nice litttle surprise this morning. It's strange in a way too (call it karma I guess) but when I came in here this morning I did the "Get" in Dreamweaver instead of just jumping into the "Put. Usually I don't "get" as I don't expect any little notes left by you anymore even though I put the Moz at the bottom of the page. So why today did I download before uploading? Hummmmmmmmm. It can only be karma. We do have that special little bond between us. So that's my answer.

I am here early this morning as a dream awakened me. It was a powerful dream in that I remember every moment and it was also sexual. I only recall one other time in my life when I had such a strong sexual dream; when I dreamt that I was on a tropical beach and I was laying down at the edge of the water and the warm waves were sensually washing over my body. In the dream that just woke me I actually had an orgasm which awakened me. I will not divulge what it was about as it was so personal that I cannot even talk about it here in the journal. Gheeeesh. But I will only say that it was about a tall handsome man, French of course, who was a detective, and about bicycles and my uncle (I had talked about him and his race horses to someone), and city streets and a condo. I don't understand the detective part but I guess all my thoughts of the previous day of buying a bicycle and getting out on the bike path beside my new condo had no doubt influenced the rest. The sexual part.... well that's just me LOL Gotta have a little pleasurable fun while I'm dreaming LOL

I do have Angels Mozart. They shine their love light on me, in front of me, behind me and all around me. You know I go to them often for help with things. I've had quite a dialogue with them lately. I promised you (but maybe you forgot I said this) that I would not ask for their powers regarding bringing you to me to "favour" our closeness here in Montreal. I always felt that it was something that needed to happen naturally and not supernaturally if it was ever going to happen at all. I still won't ask for their help in this unless you ask me directly and show me that that is really what you want 110%. Like you said you need the same "faith" . With the anxieties you are having about my son coming to live with me and how it will change our relationship, shows me that you will need time to live it and see how it goes. This period of adjustment will show you that what we have is solid and special and that no one or no thing will destroy it or change it so it becomes less desirable. The only true and best advice I have for you is what I already said to you. Just stay out of the raising of Mark. He's MY responsibility to raise and get moving. If there is something on your mind then the best way is to talk to me first about it and I can bring it up with Mark. If Mark asks you directly for advice, then that's the time to give it. You are not his father but his friend. The two of you get along great and I'm not worried. For 18 years I always had to run defence between my son and his dad and I don't want to have to do that with you too. It's stressful and I hated it and I truly believe that Mark just needs time and that this move will have a positive impact on his life. So please, just be the patient, wonderful, kind and understanding man that you already are. Let's go slowly over the next few months. I promise you that by the end of this year things will have settled down and into a pattern that we can all adjust to and live with and be happy. The promises I made to you at the beginning of the 2002 journal still stand. Especially the last one. I promise to grow along with you to be willing to face change as we both change in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting. And don't forget...................When the Angels come to help you, it will be because YOU summoned them, for they will come.............. if you ask. I love you I love you I love you.

Here I am in geocities file manager and copying and pasting html codes. Gheeeeeeeeze. I like it when Dreamweaver does all the dirty work for me lol I wanted to write a few words about all that has been happening this month. It sure has been crazy. I almost quit my job just when I'm moving into my new house day after tomorrow. I am full of emotions and I'm bone tired. Boxes are packed to the ceiling, I have no food in the house, I'm living out of a suitcase and I can't find anything. I sure have ridden that blasted roller coaster of life these past couple of weeks. You know, for a long time I have felt that things were in "limbo". Even though I was separated for 4 years I haven't really felt "free" until this month. Moving into this new house I bought is a big turning point for me. It marks the end and the beginning at the same time. I'm happy and sad at the same time too. Perhaps because I was the one to take the first steps to dissolve the marriage, I have had a delayed reaction to realize it's the end of something big. 25 years of my life to be exact. A & D are moving upstairs. N is moving downstairs. R is moving into my condo that I have been renting for almost 2 years and my son is moving back with me. So many changes. Everyone finding their way in life. Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing. I have waited 4 years for this moment. But it hadn't really been all settled until February 25th, 2002. The day of my divorce. Ironically, February 25th is the day I met Mozart just over 3 years ago. It's a picking up where things were left off. At least that's how I feel. But picking up into something beautiful, wondrous and blissful. Sometimes I think that my angels guided me from the bad into the good and Mozart is so much a part of that. He has been nothing but patient, understanding and so loving to me. I really am a lucky gal. Yesssiiireeeeee. There's not a day that does by when I am not grateful for his love. Well.... it's 9:40 pm. I still have a pile of things to do. I have to force myself to do them. At this point I feel like running away! Hopefully, I will find some peace of mind in my new home.

Here I am. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh this should be much better. I already feel great that I have more control not that I'm a control freak you understand LOL It's just that I am used to Dreamweaver doing all the html for me and I guess I'm spoiled now. There will be things to fix up but I'll work on that this weekend. By the way...... I love my new house! I feel very good here and I sleep better than I have ever before. I will update soon. Promise O:-) Cel

Thursday, May 30th, 2002

Hello journal O:-) I have been so busy with the move, with work, with the students and Mark and Dan and and and and. I really need a holiday. N ruined my week with his monetary demands. I don't know how I stayed with him for so long. Moz hasn't been feeling too well these past couple of weeks either. Well I started this but now I'm too tired to finish. I guess it's all too much. I will come back and finish it. I think I will be alone this weekend. O:-(

June 5th, 2002 deep in some blissful dream
when the goddess finally sleeps in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
aglow with the taste of the demons driven out
apily replaced in the presence of real love
the only one who saves.......

I love you Mozart

August 13th, 2002

Here we are holidays half over. The time is slipping away so fast. The weather has been perfect. Being together every day has been perfect too. The grass and flowers outside the condo are doing well. I enjoy so much to putter around the garden. It hasn't grown into anything too much yet. It takes time to plan and plant from year to year. So far I have two climbing rose bushes, one clematis and one spirea, some poppies and some cosmos. Next year I plan to plant flowers down the whole side of the house. This fall I will plant some peonies too. Rose bushes are also on the agenda. I would also like to place a fancy bench against the side of the house in all the flowers. I'm looking forward to that. Mark is settling in well. He seems to be happier. He doesn't make too much of a mess but I have to keep after him. His room gets out of control and every now and then I have to go in there and clean up. But on the whole it's fine. Wish he would find some work though. Rachele has settled in nicely into the condo and is still trying to sell her car. Andrea and Dave doing okay too. It's great being on holidays. I sure could get used to this! Especially having my best friend Daniel with me all the time. That's the best part. The angels have been good to me lately. Now if only Moz could find a job near here. That would be the ultimate bliss.

Monday, October 21st, 2002

I see I haven't been here for quite some time I see. I have been so busy with classes now in full swing. It's hard to keep up with those classes, and the laundry, the housework, the painting on my recent work of art and whatever else that constitutes the daily humdrum. I haven't started the diet yet. 15 pounds to lose! Why did I ever let it get to 15, I keep asking myself. It's so hard to lose. I guess the big news around here is that I turned 50 last week. I don't feel like 50. I don't think I even look life 50. LOL I didn't want any fanfare but the wonderful people I call family thought it was time to celebrate. My sister came in from New York with two of her 3 kids. That was the best present of all! Of course I'm not counting the stripper Moz sent me. Gheeeeeeeeeze. That was kind of fun even though there was an audience !!! I still can't figure out if the experience aged me or made me younger hahahahaha. Then there was the Tarot reader.... and the cheese fondue at one of my students house. And the dinner at Moz's sister's house. Just all so much! I was truly embarassed accepting all the gifts ! Everyone got together and bought me a great CD/MP3/DVD player. And of course don't forget about the gorgeous patio table/wicker chairs and umbrella that Moz bought me last July in anticipation of the 50th birthday! All too much....... O:-) But real nice. Now that I have chitchatted, I'm coming down to the real reason I am here in the journal. You know by now that I usually only come here when there are things on my mind. For 4 years Moz and I have lived 150 km apart. There have been times when I cried my heart out when he left to go home. In the beginning I remember thinking that it was too hard to keep up a long distance relationship. That I just couldn't stand all the lonliness. I remember a time also when I pressured Moz for some kind of a commitment. To at least give me some hope that one day we would have a future together. Well I got that commitment. All the baby steps. I have moved 5 times in 4 years. I bought this gorgeous house where I am so happy. It's a wonderful house. I love the Jacuzzi, the gardening, the sunsets, the patio......so much I have worked for. Four years to get here. Finally independant and I can call it my home. It seems that Moz is closer to finally getting a job here in Montreal. It's all I have wanted. For him to be here with me. I want to share the rest of my life with him. He wants to share his life with me too. It has been and still is so wonderful. We still have a special chemistry. Truly blissful when we're together. Last year when I was looking for a house I wanted him to get involved. I wanted to find something for the "both" of us. Somewhere where we both could live together. He didn't want to get involved it that. He said it was my decision. So here I am now, wanting to live with him but not wanting to give up my house. But there just isn't enough room for us here. It's all so bittersweet. Why is it so hard for me all the time? I suppose it's hard for him too. He has done what I have. Started from scratch again. Leaving everything behind and buying all over again. Finally getting a nice house together with all the necessities of life and some luxuries. I'm sure it would not be easy to give it all up. Would I give it all up? Everything I've worked for? I've done it before. I guess I could do it again. For true love..... anything is possible. I would do it again. I'm sure there's a house out there somewhere that would make us happy. Living with Moz has nothing to do with finances. I have done very well for myself. I am independant and don't need a man to support me. I work 2 jobs to live a comfortable lifestyle and I'm doing fine on my own. It's not a question of money otherwise I would be jumping for joy at the prospect of sharing expenses. That part for me doesn't even fit into the scheme of things. It's the other stuff that's all so scary. What does it mean to live common-law? What would both of us be gaining or sacrificing? It's a huge commitment! Almost like 'til death do us part" kind of thing. Then there's my son. How would that go? I ran interference between my ex and my son for so many years and I do not want to go back into that snake pit. So many questions. Moz always says he doesn't have problems, only solutions. I am all ears. This is not something I will jump into with my eyes closed. I will make sure it's the best thing for all of us. But one thing is certain..... I love Moz with all my heart. I miss him when he's not here. I long to be with him all the time. He has become my flame and the dragon needs a flame.

A man is not where he lives, but where he loves.
Latin proverbs

Absence sharpens love, but presence strengthens it.
fortune cookie

Alas! the love of women! it is known To be a lovely and fearful thing!
George Gordon Lord Byron

And the trouble is if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Erica Jong

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks;
the ultimate, the last test and proof; the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Maria Rilke

So let us prepare Moz..........
for a lifetime together.........
whatever it takes Moz.........
We have each other.

O:-)

Thursday, December 12th, 2002

Christmas is almost here. Wow! Where does the time go? Dan just celebrated his 52nd birthday. He wasn't in Montreal for it though. Well, I'm here tonight not because there is "stuff" on my chest that I need to unload. That's a switch. I guess it has been on my mind lately to make a year end visit. Moz had only one entry this year. Last March! Myself I haven't poured my heart and soul out here on a regular basis but I do like to keep a journal of sorts for posterity. Nothing has changed really in one year. It's still the same except for me moving into a new house. This time last year I was shopping for houses! That is news for 2002 that's for sure. I wish I could say that Dan has finally transferred to Montreal. No such luck. O:-( I have almost given up on that idea. As long as Dan keeps doing the driving then I don't complain. Myself, I just can't keep that up. It's too much for me leaving after class on Saturday and coming in Monday morning early with the traffic all heading to Montreal, plus the fact that I am not always comfortable driving the highways especially in winter. It makes more sense for Dan to do it but I know it gets tiring. The kids are doing great. Andrea is deep in exam time. Only one more session to go until she graduates University with her degree. Rachele working for home for the moment, but keeping her eye out for a good position with the good company. Mark isn't working or doing school but he seems so much happier. I love them all so much. Sam is still in New Brunswick and Catherine in Kuujuaac and two more grown kids to add to my list of love. I feel close to them like my own kids. My job is so so. It has to be one of the least organized and craziest places I have ever worked. Always frustrated because of the lack of team effort and tardiness of everything. Anyways I'm lucky to have a job and will not complain to much. The classes are going well. Students come and go but I have many loyal ones that support me and my work and continue to take classes even after many years. I thank my lucky stars! Let's see........... I don't think I have left anything out at least for this entry. I was hoping to see a few words from Dan. That would be nice. I adore his writing and miss reading it.

Well....... that's all for now. Stay happy and healthy.

TIME CAPSULE